


1 - Very Unsatisfied

by the-reylo-void (Anysia)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Inspired by the Undercover Boss - Starkiller Base skit on SNL, Kylo/Matt is an idiot, One-Sided Attraction, Rey does not have time for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 15:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5748817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anysia/pseuds/the-reylo-void
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey never wants to go undercover or meet another "radar technician" for the rest of her life, thanks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1 - Very Unsatisfied

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr prompt: "Reylo: that one time they were captured and handcuffed together"
> 
> This turned into pure, unadulterated crack based on the already-legendary SNL "Undercover Boss: Starkiller Base" skit. Oh my god Kylo/Matt you straight-up SUCK.
> 
> (jk Kylo Ren is forever my trash son he is just so fucking fun to torment)

Rey rolls her eyes on a deep sigh as klaxons sound and heavy boots echo along the bridgeway. It’s so _loud_  here, officers shouting and the clarion call of alarms and her wrists are starting to ache from where they’re bound, one to a steel utility pole and one to…

 

“ _I’m going to fucking kill them_ ,” the man next to her seethes, his fingertips carving indentations into the steel grates beneath them, and he keeps tugging on the metal cuff joining their wrists. “Them, _you_ , fucking _everyone who is currently permitting this **indignity**_ …”

 

It’s hard enough keeping her cover aboard the _Finalizer_ , hard enough to stay calm and slow her heartbeat enough not to be noticed as she ducks her brow beneath the mechanic’s cap and shouts of “ _RESISTANCE FIGHTERS INCOMING_ ” shriek along the bridge.

 

But she will _not_ allow this gangly maintenance man to keep scowling at her, not when they’re forced together like this (“for your own safety as civilians,” the superior officer had said, and Rey could have sworn she’d seen him smirk at the man beside her).  

 

“Would you shut up already, ‘ _Matt_ ,’” she hisses, swiftly kicking him in the ankle as best she can. “And why are you _dressed_ like that, anyway? You look like a complete idiot.”

 

The man glowers at her, open hatred shining behind his wire-rimmed glasses. “Dressed like _what_ ,” he spits. “This is my _uniform_. For my _job_. I am a _radar technician_.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes harder than she ever has in her life. “Oh, sorry, ’ _Matt_ ,’” she intones, curling her fingers into air quotes.

 

“You’re welcome, ’ _Kit_ ,’” he echoes her mocking tone, nodding to the crooked nametag on her own jumpsuit.

 

Silence stretches between them as the klaxons begin to die down, as the shouts fade deeper into the ship.

 

“So,” she hears ‘Matt’ start from beside her, sniffing and straightening his glasses with his free hand. “You… like working here?”

 

“I don’t…”

 

His gaze is sharp, and she feels the prickle of the Force, of darkness at the edge of her consciousness, and Rey ducks her head down.

 

“…yeah. It’s great.”

 

‘Matt’ shifts awkwardly, straightens a lock of wayward blond hair. “You, uh… what do you think of Kylo Ren? Buddy of mine said half the girls on the _Finalizer_ are after him.”

 

“I’ve no doubt,” Rey mutters to herself, absently Force-tugging at the pole binding her other hand.

 

“Girl I knew in… radar technician school… who absolutely existed… she was crazy about him. …two girls, actually. Three. I stopped counting after awhile, there were so many of them. Anyway. I tried to ask them out once, but they were just like, ‘Matt, you’re sweet, but no one can measure up to Kylo Ren, you know?’”

 

Rey nods, only half-listening, straining as the pole starts to give.

 

“…you think he’s cute, or what? It’s okay if you do. Most girls do.”

 

“A bit curious so many girls would fancy him, seeing as he never takes off that mask of his,” Rey says pointedly, tossing ‘Matt’ a glare over her shoulder.

 

“Not 'never’. Just with, you know. Cute girls. Who are strong with the Force.”

 

“A lot of those in radar technician school, are there.” Just a little more…

 

The pole gives, and Rey scarcely has time to celebrate before his hands are tightly around her wrists, holding her to him.

 

“Rey,” he murmurs under his breath, and his eyes are dark, purposeful behind his glasses, and Rey finds herself trembling in fear as the klaxons sound again.

 

It’s easy, criminally easy to sweep his legs out from under him, and ‘Matt’ falls hard to the grate beneath them. Rey smirks to herself as his glasses and wig fly across the corridor, jet-black hair spilling to his jaw.

 

Rey unlocks the cuffs from around their wrists with a twist of the Force. “I prefer Kylo Ren as a brunette,” she says, an impish curl of a smile at her lips. “Matches his eyes.”

 

Kylo Ren is dazed, eyes dark with want as he stares up at her, and Rey holds his gaze for a long moment before tipping her cap to him.

 

“Give Ren my best regards, would you,” she says lightly before breaking into a sprint down the corridor, towards familiar masculine voices and blaster bolts.

 

* * *

 

It’s two weeks later that she receives a missive at the Resistance base, printed on heavy paper and neatly folded into an envelope, with an evaluation card addressed to “Kit (Rey)”.

 

_Thank you for choosing the **Finalizer** for your First Order needs. We hope our technicians were able to successfully assist you. Please rate Technician Matt on the following:_

 

_\- Attractiveness_

_  
\- Force strength_

_  
\- Force instruction (if you did not use this service, please contact Technician Matt to do so as soon as possible, you **really** need a teacher, “Kit”) _

_  
\- Lightsaber skill (please use separate lines for combat and construction, on a scale of “awesome” to “really, really awesome”)_

_  
\- Your personal willingness to meet him for a cup of caf on Coruscant at your earliest convenience_

 

Rey decides that she really, _really_ needs a raise.


End file.
